Absentee... I know I'm sorry

For the few, the proud who have read my blog I know I've been slacking. It's been a busy busy summer, I have photos of horrible shoes to show you all... just not gotten around to it yet. No excuse really, but what can I say?

Now that school is looming around me at all times it seems I'm still pretty busy going from class to class but if you come across something that would make a great Ugly Shoe Diaries story, just e-mail me. I'll make some time to drop you a post, in class if I have to!

Thanks for the support!

~Amanda Michelle~

e-mail: AmandaMHolmes@yahoo.com

Holy Ugly Shoes Batman!

I just found a website that is the place where Ugly shoes are born then sold into slavery. After browsing for about 10 minutes I found not one single pair of shoes I would dare to wear.

Where is this ungodly site/sight you ask? Why it's Like.com, with the exclusive line from Betsey Johnson.

What could be so bad about these shoes? Here's a nice example, we'll start with this one.


As if those weren't delightful enough, things seem to get progressively worse the further you surf. Not possible you say? These things are so amazing they have had to make up their own ugly pump language.


I'm amazed! These were shoes that were beat up as children. Teased and pushed around the school yard in the worst way. But then there are the "Naughty Monkey Hide N Seek... it takes a hidden talent to appreciate the ugliest things on earth to come up with these gems.







As if those were not so amazing you asked could there be worse? How about a pair that only Karen Parsons - live and direct from the Fresh Prince of Bell Air would wear to do the weather... I give you the Piece de Resistance!





Again I ask the question if there are outfits in this world that wouldn't scream in horror at the sight of these shoes and the possibility of being toppers to the rock bottom of shoes.



These are the kinds of girls on the top shelf of the closet crying out from a box in muffled tones "LET ME OUT!" feeling as though jailed in a small prison box wanting desperately to show their worthiness of chatting with the stuck up Jimmy Choo's. That old creepy sneaker that wants the Jimmy Choo to come down and play barks up in a deep laughing voice "You girls must have been hit with the ugly truck? Did she buy you when she was drunk?" It's hard not to feel sorry for these girls, but yet, I just don't!

If the Easter Bunny was Cinderella's Fair Godmother

So Cinderella had a cute little hooded chubby cheeked Fair Godmother. A wonderful woman who inspired her to be more than she thought she could be so that she could see the beauty and magic of love and all that jazz. Got the picture - Bippity Boppity Boo?

And then, one day the Easter bunny decided that he wanted in on the action and delivered not a pumpkin that turned into a carriage but an egg that gave birth to these bad boys right here.







Wow right? Instead of words all you hear are screams of horror from every skirt someone tries to pair with these monsters, whimpers from the jeans some girl thinks would be adorable with this hideous patent pleather.

I ask you, where did we stray? When did $40 of Payless addiction become this type of hell!?

Jimmy Choo is my Daddy!

Not all shoes are ugly on purpose. Some just end up the trend and when that trend has out lived its purpose the shoe becomes ugly. Others however, are born that way.

Sitting high on a shelf in the worlds best closet owned by an uptown Celebutante, dusted and well kept away from those 'other' shoes are a pair of Jimmy Choo's. Being picked on is not in her vocabulary though some think the goddess of shoes has lost her marbles.



Black leather with silver snake skin, and tiny buckles to accent her perfectly poised demeanor, even she is not always the Belle of the ball.

Other shoes hear mutterings in the night in a faint voice "There's dust trying to contaminate me, I know it." or a small cry of "This air is going to be the death of me." She costs more than some peoples rent at nearly $650.00, yet for all her glamour in the world she still has been worn only once.

The muddy Gym shoes that just came in from a rainy run want her to come down so he can work on her snake skin, but she scoffs at him and yells "Jimmy Choo is my Daddy!" then mutters something about associating with a 'dirty scoundrel'. Apparently even high class fuck me pumps have their limits.

She was worn to the Met one night, and has been shelved for eternity, after all who has cause to wear these things twice? The dust and air threaten to dull her color, and she's never really been broken in. Ugly and expensive - double whammy.

"It's not wise to upset a Wookie"

Oh dear god where to start with this? I think the only thing this boot could possibly say is "Aaaahhhahahhhhhh" or however one would replicate the spelling of the gurgling sound that Chewebacca makes.

Must start with photo.

Let's be honest here, these shoes can't talk... even to others of their species so I'm just going to have a hay day here. I saw a girl in something not quite as bad as the above pictured "Wookie Boots", but she was pretty close. They were brown and furry... hopefully warm because they were UGLY!

The question that begs asking is this? When did it become OK to chop off a Yeti in the middle of the shin and walk around in it's feet? Do you take these boots to be cleaned or groomed? And what on gods green earth goes with a pair of shoes like these?

My mind is so bent that I think Han Solo might ride up on a Tom-Tom and step in here to kill his long time friend. This is animal (even faux animal) ABUSE! And I think there outta be a hotline! 1-888-SAV-BOOT

The Ugly Shoe Diaries - Eye of Judgement - Part 1

Sounds horrible doesn't it? Just knowing that I can be this judgmental, but come on folks. We are all thinking it, it's just a matter of someone saying it. I'm not talking personalities, but we are talking about the occasional ruin of an entire outfit based on one element. In this case, we are talking shoes.

I understand fully that the basis of my wardrobe is comfortable, casual and clean. I am a Jeans and T-shirt kinda girl, dressed up or down, it's what I like and by George I look good doing it.

Here we are in the middle of February, Valentine's Day to be exact. We find ourselves in Ann Arbor Michigan where the weekly high is 13 degrees before windchill. 2 inches of iced over snow topped by another inch and a half yet people don't think about what to do with their feet.

Lovely girl (minus the attempt on her hair), probably of the impressionable young age of 18~ish. Sporting to death an outfit she must have planned out long and hard the night before. Dark, dark indigo jeans (not skinny jeans - Thank you!), a respectable boot cut or mild flare. White shirt, and a black coat very; Baby Phat style, though I could not discern what it said on the back. All of her jewelry looked rather costume - mildly gawdy and all in gold, but it went with the theme of her outfit. Giant not so real gold hoops big enough for a tea cup Maltese puppy to jump through and a desperate attempt at a high end hand bag.

The hand bag is almost as good as the icing, but I have to layer the cake for you - this bag wants to be Louis Vuitton and Coach all in one. Louis Vuitton mini duffel shape with faux-gator on the ends and handles, and canvas front to back with wanna be circles that wish to death they were Coach C's. All in gold - themes are good, honestly. The Wristlet inside said bag is orange, bulky and leather, but she's rockin' it like it's the Coach she wants.

Cap all of this off with the piece-de-resistance - the finale - the shoes! I did say it was icing.

Imagine for me if you will, 3 1/2 inch heels, cheap to the point of plastic patten leather, and pointy toes. Then if you will see these horribly cheap looking shoes in white. *Gasp* Wait a minute... did I say White??? You bet your hiney I did.

Now, our fair lass is not just out and about wearing these shoes to be cute for her Valentine, and getting from a car to where she is headed, but she is wearing them on the bus... in 13 degree weather, with at least 3 inches of snow all around without sox, or stockings.

I shake my head... I judge... I laugh inside and part of me dies. White shoes, in winter, with no stockings have no place. Nor do they serve purpose. So, so sad. Where has shoe education gone?

That puts the UGG in UGGly!

**Preface**
The fashion right now seems to be Skinny Jeans - which the style network is telling me are out, and maternity shirts. Last night Benji brought this to my attention, when most of the girls were wearing these tiny stick leg jeans and a shirt that looked like a very fashion forward pregnant woman would wear. The icing on the cake... the insurmountable numbers of UGGly boots worn on the outside of said pants.
**Close**

Welcome the Ugg boot - why can't you just walk away.



Man wouldn't it suck to be UGGly all the time? I've got the makings right in my name and it's time that people just let me rest. I'm tired of being picked on, I'm tired of being the butt of most shoe jokes, and above all I'm tired of being the average, the norm as it were.

Yeah, I'm lined with Sherpa and I'm an Aussie, but that's really not a good cause to be worn on the outside of crappy pants with every turn. I know that I'm warm, and if worn properly won't get so much flack, but these girls just don't get it.

In 2002 I was all the rage, hip and new and proud to be such, but now... my style is just outdated but no one seems to care. All summer long I sit in the back of the closet with most other cold weather shoes and even the Duck boots get a giggle out of the fact that I'm worn poorly for functionality and fashion. I mean I'm not named a Duck boot for gods sake, and still it's funny. They are upper crust bastards those Duck boots, come from Maine and all, but it's not a nice thing to say "U-G-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi. You Uggly, yeah... you Uggly." Cute, really, cute! Well at least I'm not associated with a Mallard.



What happened to the days where a nice boot cut jean pulled snuggly around my ankles, paired with a nice sweater or shirt was good. I keep feet warm, I keep the elements out of socks, and I have fantastic tread, but now every time someone sees me worn over leggings and pants they groan and say "Still?" or "Oh, she tried." Her ship sailed and she didn't even know it.

It's sad that now I am the 70's. A fashion era that has died and been resurrected only to fail at it. I fail at life. No, I Phail at life. Ohhh, to be an Ugg boot.

I want to be a Prima Ballerina.

Oh to be a ballet slipper! The glory alone is worth the abuse. Being a brand new Ballet slipper means you will suddenly be ripped apart, scored, bent, broken and quickly discarded when the usefulness has been outlived. I however am not a ballet slipper, but the kicked out cousin from that group.

I am a Ballet Flat.

Doesn't that just sound like the next best thing? I am not a ballerina, I am a cast out for the girl who could never dance, but wanted desperately to be a part of that culture. Not to be so sad about it, but can I actually be comfortable? I'm so glad that I sparkle and I'm happy that there are lots of girls who are happy to put me to the ground but my abuse is not glamorous.

I feel like my mother was a Prima ballerina's toe shoe and my father was a Yachting yahoo's penny loafer. I'm low to the ground, and barely adorned with a cute little leather cord that is supposed to make me feel like I'm pretty.

Sitting on the shelf at the fancy boutique because I am supposed to be the 'in' style, the pretty stilettos look down on me and ask how I can call myself a shoe? Then when I finally get taken home every shoe except the flip flops laugh and tell me I'm not practical. I'm a slipper, not a shoe or a sandal. I'm a dress shoe, but not a heel, I'm just not as good as everyone else.

Well I tell you what! I am good enough, I'm good enough not to make your feet hurt at the end of the night. I am cute enough to be considered the cute shoes. I am good enough to be those slippers that a prima ballerina puts on after a show because they make her feel closer to the stage she just got off of. I am a ballet flat. I'll say it loud "I'm cute and I'm proud!" at least... I'm cute to someone.

A Day in the life of your Favorite Nike's

I certainly hope that the person who wears you puts you away at night. It always seems to be that those of us who are worn most are the ones left by the front door in a puddle of slush after having been worn.

It's not fair to be so mistreated. As I look around me I see that there are other shoes that are laying out here but it's not a nice feeling. Laying piled on top of other shoes who smell far less clean than I do, who are coated in a thin film of dust while I'm wet and as tired as the feet that just thrust me off of them.

I am the most loved Nike. That simple pair of shoes that goes well with Jeans, Khakis, shorts and jogging pants, though thankfully she does not wear me with skirts. (I personally find that in bad taste even in bad weather.) I know, though we don't like to tell people that I am not actually her shoes. She did not buy me, and it makes me feel more cast off knowing that my actual owner doesn't actually wear me anymore. He complains that I squeak when he walks, but it's not all my fault, he's got big feet, and big feet mean more leather and parts. I don't squeak on carpet, but some concrete isn't a good mix.

My big problem comes in the summer. She hates to wear sox and shoes, so the second weather permits those pretty espadrilles that are waiting impatiently and haughtily to tell the rest of us that we will all be out of commission soon, start mouthing off. I wish I could tell her that those polka dots suck, and some day she's gonna break and get tossed in the garbage without a second thought. Does that make me a bad shoe? It's like waiting for my owner to break an ankle to wish breakage on another shoe, but those espadrilles are just not a nice pair.

For a while I was nicely lined up after a quick cleaning spree. I sat next to my mate and talked to the blue suede Adidas. They've been around for almost 9 years and she never wears them. They tell me constantly "We were an impulse buy?" Their laces are nice and not crumpled, barely twisted from having been tied many, many times. Their soles are still nice and white, and the 3 stripes on their sides are still clean. "Her friend bought our cousins, and they looked cute on her. Size 7's always do. Honor being picked but, I'd rather be sitting in Downtown Ann Arbor looking out the window than under the table covered in Lava lamps feeling the draft from the door." I feel sorry for a second but then the boots by the radiator pipe up. "I'd love a draft! I sit by the inferno all day!" - It's always a shifty conversation, but it reminds me daily that I get worn. I see the sights, I make friends with the dust bunnies under her desk at work, and make her kick piles of files on the floor in the office. I meet feet resting on the rails of her favorite bars. At least I don't spend all day wondering when I might get taken out for a spin, even if the weather is bad and I know that she's wearing me for protection. I get to have vindictive moments when she wears the sox I hate and I pull on them to make them sink further down into me and off of her heal... teach her to wear those crappy bastards again.

Ahh, but alas I sit now by the back door, coupled together near the fleece scuffs she so frequently adorns and wonder if tomorrow will bring weather that will make her look around to see which pair she might put on. Tomorrow could be my day again.

Introductions are good!

Shoes must have an interesting life. We keep seeing movies albeit Disney or Pixar movies about the lives of inanimate objects, and I as a person who would rather not wear shoes have decided they need a voice. Someone to tell their stories.

My friend Ben and I seem to have a running gag on Ugly shoes. Each week we see a host of sorostitues and truly demoralize them for their shoes alone. Granted an ugly outfit is ugly no matter the shoes, but sometimes that outfit could have been saved by a good pair of cute shoes.

Ben's girlfriend Sarah has a lot of cute shoes that must get a bad rap just for being of the hooker variety, but those shoes must feel sexy and wanted when they are worn, and feel like the world is new when she chooses them above all others to come home from the store.

So here we have the Ugly shoe diaries, the days in the lives of those shoes we choose to wear or leave at home to collect dust in the bottoms of our closets.

To the shoes! or as Dane Cook and I would put it, Fuck Shoes!